I'm an Adjacent Friend. And I'm Okay With That!
Knowing that I'm in the 2nd or 3rd Tier group has given me a valuable perspective
I’ve been wondering why I am much more connected to and intimate with my Zoom friends - most of whom I've never met - than people I've known for decades in real life. Is it that they've never disappointed me, taken advantage of me, forgotten all about me? Is it that we have regularly scheduled meetings where we catch up with each other, allow time for brief check-ins and then talk about matters that deeply concern us, from politics to climate collapse to our personal relationships? These Zoom friends have only been with me for four years or less, most starting with courses we took during and after COVID while so-called real life friends have been physically present for physical events: weddings, funerals, birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, 4th of July and so on. I've made them dinner, had them over for weekends at the lakeside cottage I used to own, gone for walks and much more.
I am no longer missing the physical presence of these friends. I am no longer reaching out because I'm tired of the one-way street of our communications. One of them who professes that she "loves me so, so much" and can't imagine life without me recently texted: "I think we have a lot to catch up on!" I hadn't heard from her in months even though in that time I'd gotten a few "I'll call you right back!" messages all of which were sent after I’d reached out to her. This time I texted back and stated that I'm tired of the one-way street dynamic. She sent a shocked emoji. And that was that. Haven’t heard from her since.
Then there's the friend who I nursed through a nervous breakdown some years ago. She was falling apart after the death of her mother, the end of a relationship and harassment by a neighbor. The phone calls and visits were almost on a daily basis, sometimes several times a day. She was my good pal and I wanted to be there for her. To me, that was just part of being a friend. Yet when she was feeling recovered and strong enough to enjoy life, to go out and experience adventures, I was not the one she called. I was not included. Why? It's like the opposite of being the "good time" friend. I am the "bad time" friend, the shoulder to cry on, the space holder for when you’re in a seriously downward spiral.
This has been repeated over and over again with others.
The difference now is this: I'm taking RESPONSIBILITY for it! There must be something about me that invites this. But I’m changing. I’ve got to.
I don't need to be the hero, the rescuer who swoops in when there's a health crisis, a relationship breakup or a financial calamity. Because guess what? In the long run, I think it's resented. Maybe that's why I'm not included in the good times.
And there's another dynamic at work. I'm acknowledging that I'm only a Second or Third Tier friend for some. These fall into the same "category," so to speak, of friends who I've felt close to. But in terms of actual time, I'm a relatively new friend. Even if that "relativity" goes back 30 or more years.
In this group, these are friends who regularly plan fun outings with small groups that they knew in high school, college or the early years of their careers. I'm not in those groups. And even though I've met those friends-of-friends on multiple occasions (you know: the weddings, funerals and so on) I'm not included in these vacations or reunions.
These busy people all look at their calendars and plan their fun adventures far in advance. But since I was never part of the original group, I'm not considered for inclusion They've allocated their time for the year. There’s no more time left for me.
And even though most of them have said that they've love to visit me in my new home in Nashville, especially after my Open Heart Surgery and three more surgeries to address life-threatening infections last Fall, none of those trips have materialized. A few people offered to visit immediately after I got out of the hospital; I admit that I turned them down because their presence would probably have caused me more distress than it was worth. That’s on me.
But most of them just stopped. Stopped calling, stopped asking how I was, stopped offering anything - even well wishes - after I made it known that I was doing much better, healing and was open to visits and calls. They have - without fail - said they thought I wanted to be alone. There was the one who used to only call when he was on the road and our conversations were constantly interrupted by his Google Maps’ voice giving directions. With my inability to speak for more than short periods of time while I was in recovery, I told him that I was no longer doing calls with people while they were on the road. He interpreted that as not accepting any calls. Another friend claimed that when she called once within days after a surgery I said I wasn't up to talking at that moment. So she just gave up...for the next 7 months! When we were face-to-face recently and she asked "How are you feeling?" with an innocent wide-eyed expression, I was stunned. You're asking me this now? Where the fuck have you been? Oh, right! You attempted one call and that was that. Okay, well. Sorry to have inconvenienced you! Others have stated that they thought I wanted to be alone, isolated. I was alone and isolated, but that’s not what I wanted. Is it that it’s too difficult to reach out to someone who has had more than one near death experiences? I never get a response to that question that feels truthful.
This whole "Sorry you felt that way," or "I didn't mean XYZ," is bullshit. It's not an apology, it's not taking responsibility for not being a good friend.
As far as the Second or Third Tier friendships go, I'm a peace with that. I won't expect anything from you. But then again, don't expect anything from me. I'll let your First Tier friends take it from here. No hard feelings; I wish you all well. Truly.
These days, the Zoomers know me better than anyone. Their Love is real, whether we’ve met in person or not. The Zoom friends have seen me on the screen just days after surgeries, they have witnessed the healing of my scars, have gathered around and sent me prayers, encircling me in a kind of love and healing light that is indescribable.
My various groups of Zoom friends are planning retreats and gathering together. I’m cross-inviting them…not keeping them separate. Because I know how that separation feels.
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